The Summer I Pretended I Was Pretty

No, it isn't up for debate on whether or not I actually *am* pretty. This is my story of treating myself like I deserved to be confident until I started to believe it.

This summer, I challenged myself to one of the most demanding yet gratifying tasks: Pretending that I was pretty inside and out. Just for that moment, just for that event, just for that day, repeated everyday for months.

As it turns out, beauty is directly linked to the way that we treat ourselves; a state of mind that must be nurtured. It's found in the care put into a hair or skin routine, the dopamine boost from wearing a sweater in a favorite color, the reward feeling of buying a new book... the list goes on.

Most significantly, beauty is grown from the seeds of time in which we're in the middle of criticizing ourselves yet muster the strength to pause and redirect.

I, like every person at some point in time, struggle with my image. If not one aspect of my looks, it's another. If not my looks, then who I am as a person, my life in general, etc. The critical nature of it all can be traced to a root cause: self worth.

Because of low self worth, we tend to paint false narratives without even realizing that they are dictating our lives.

"I'll dress this way when my body changes."

"If I wasn't so ____, I could cut my hair like ____."

"I would smile more in pictures if my _____ looked different."

When we write ourselves these excuses and restrictions, it reinforces the belief that we aren't deserving as we are. It's like following a neverending breadcrumb trail that will somehow miraculously make us "good enough," but with no real destination.

For me, this way of life hit its boiling point after a particularly mentally-taxing day spent at a waterpark in June. In my frustration, questions started to pour out of me. How would I have spent today if I thought that I deserved to be here? Would I have laughed a little more? What would it have felt like to allow myself to take up space, comfortably resting in my lawn chair rather than contorting to hide? Would I have cherished coasting about the lazy river more if I spent less time comparing myself to the hundreds of strangers around me? What kind of bathing suit would I have worn today if I deemed myself worthy?

In turn, I got angry.

How dare I deny myself joy and autonomy when today is literally all that we have? How dare I spend my hard-earned money on an experience, just to berate myself most of the time for simply existing? It was the "No, we have food at home" of self hatred.

Equal parts scheme and challenge, I devised a plan: My "glow up journey."

It's had very little to do with actually altering my appearance and is a testament to how I honor and represent myself.

People say "look good, feel good," but my key to growing confidence meant reversing that. Feel good, look good. Glowing up, pretending you are pretty inside and out - whatever you want to call it is about leaning into who you are and embracing that person with curiosity, not judgement. No, it isn't necessarily easy. Yes, it is something that needs nurturing every single day if you want to bloom. Read on to learn how I approached this lifestyle change and how the experience impacted my life.

(Note: This faking-it-til-you-make-it confidence is bolstered by what feels good for you and what feeds your soul. This is what felt good for me.)

Cutting my hair

All good rebrands start with bangs, right? Just kidding! Though, I did get curtain bangs as step one in my journey. I believe that hair holds onto energy both positive and negative. After a particularly traumatizing year, the energy in my life had grown stale and stagnant. It was time to trim an inch or two off.

The sense of relief followed immediately. I even experimented with curtain bangs and layers in the chair, despite my nervousness about them. Taking the initiative to get my hair cut washed such a healing component over me; It reaffirmed that I deserve to show up for myself, that I am worthy of feeling beautiful - beauty standards be damned.

My new hair stylist also helped me discover that my hair isn't just an untamable mane. Apparently, my coarse hair will transform into soft waves if cared for properly, and learning how to take care of it is perplexing yet soothing.

Comitting to daily practices (even when I don't want to)

I'll say it: small, daily practices make the ultimate self love rituals. Especially when I don't want to do them, but somehow find the will.

Continuing to take care of my hair is one of my daily practices. I've gotten into the habit of coupling my wavy hair routine with affirmations, which I challenge everyone to try regardless of hair pattern or routine. Simply reminding yourself of your worth, positive qualities, etc. (whether you believe it yet or not!) while washing, brushing, braiding, or styling your hair can make a world of difference in your spirit. Its so empowering!

Another practice I implemented is setting a couple reminders throughout my work day to take deep breaths and disconnect for at least five minutes. Doing so provides the nervous system with a much-needed break in our all-too-fast-paced world. Additionally, I move my body when it feels right - whether that is a quick stretch or a Hot Girl walk - to release any anxious or stagnant energy.

As a cystic acne, PCOS girly, skincare upkeep gets taxing and I'll be the first to say that I skip it some days. Despite shortage of time or feeling low, I've started to force myself to wash my face every morning and night with the intention to honor and nurture my skin. Acne is still going to behave like acne, but putting the effort in feels rewarding.

Updating my wardrobe

Before this summer, the majority of my clothes fell into two categories: ill-fitting hand-me-downs or pieces that didn't represent a current version of me. Both treated me well at one point, but no longer served me.

So, I saved some money when I could to thrift and scout out deals over the summer with the goal of buying a handful of items that made me look authentically and beautifully me.

I never knew how much my confidence and sense of self could flourish with clothing and favorite colors. I also didn't realize how often I internally voiced comparisons to my coworkers' and friends' outfits until the volume turned down in my head.

Final thoughts and key takeaways

This summer didn’t turn me into someone new; It just enhanced who I already am. Fake it til you make it or not, the confidence isn't just a costume anymore, but a practice. And maybe that’s what being ‘pretty’ really means: choosing to see yourself as deserving of your own grace, regardless of the tales you tell yourself.

• Beauty is just a reflection of self love.

• Self-worth grows when you stop treating yourself like an option.

• You are worthy of your desires now, in the body you're in, in the season of life you're in - all of it.

Your turn

For the next week, act like you deserve to take up space. Compliment yourself out loud, wear your favorite colors, treat yourself, and mean it. Then DM me and tell me how it felt.

What I'm working on into the fall months (in no particular order)

• Filling my cup and carving out time to recharge.

• Accepting that demanding perfection kills creativity and freedom.

• Being more unapologetic.

• Understanding that days aren't measured by productivity.